Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you have heard of the incredible and crazy escapades of Florida Man, the worst super hero ever. Not a day goes by that a Florida Man (insert unbelievable story) does across my desk. How they haven’t turned “Florida Man” into a movie is beyond me. It would basically be the character Frank Gallagher from the show Shameless hopped up on crack committing crimes you never thought were possible.
Here are some Florida Man headlines that made me do a double take.
#1 Florida Man disguises himself in bull costume as he tries to burn down former lover’s house with pasta sauce. There is lots of this story that I’m missing, and I’m super intrigued.
#2 Florida Man pretends to be a prosecutor, tries to drop all charges against him.Modern problems require modern solutions, am I right?.
#3 Florida Man arrested for hanging from traffic light and pooping on cars. This headline makes it sounds like the guy was up there for hours just passing the time pooping on cars
#4 Florida Man who is a U.S representatives is accused of creating sex game with points for sleeping with staff. Not to be outdone the politicians get into the mix.
#5 Florida Man tells neighbor he’s going to kill them with kindness. Then tries to kill them with a machete named kindness. Well he wasn’t lying.
#6 Unsure how to deal with cold weather, Florida Man sets fire to his apartment to keep warm. I think grabbing a blanket would have been the smarter option, but what do I know/.
#7 Florida Man gym teacher arrested for farting on student. This is the look of a man, that is unapologetic and is thinking of returning to let out some more steam.
#8 Florida Man arrested for attempting to steal a power pole by strapping it on top of his SUV. He must have thought, no big deal, no one will even notice.
#9 Florida Man stabs tourist despite having no arms. I have some questions.
#10 Florida Man charged with assault with a deadly weapon after throwing alligator through Wendy’s drive through window. But why?
#11 Florida Man denies drinking and driving, says he only swigged bourbon at stop signs. He has a point.
#12 Florida Man burns himself dancing naked around fire for solstice ritual. Oops, that pagan dance was hot fire.
#13 Florida Man gets tired of waiting at the hospital, steals ambulance and drives home. You’ve been in a hospital waiting room, can you really blame him?
#14 Florida Man asks trooper if he can leave the scene crash to get more meth. I guess it never hurts to ask.
#15 Florida Man wanders naked through neighborhood holding cooking oil, erection, says he’s aroused by the rain. The neighbors are praying for sunshine.
#16 Florida Man climbs on playground equipment to tell children where babies come from. Wow, Florida is really taking sex ed to new heights.
#17 Florida Man tries to rob gamestop while wearing transparent bag on his head. Pro gamer move
#18 Florida Man gives police “exonerating” dash cam footage following a traffic incident. Accidentally includes video of him robing beauty store. That’s one way to get out of a traffic ticket, but I wouldn’t say it’s the smartest.